I hate sex

I hate sex.  It ruins everything. You don't have enough, you have too much.  You can't win.
My husband met a woman, a girl. He says nothing happened, I believe him. The problem was I read the FB messages and I know he 'wanted' something to happen.  He told me he had a connection with her.  That statement alone hurt more than if he had had sex with her. He tells me he loves me. I know he wants her. I tried to show a new side, be more of what he says he always wanted. I feel he still wants her.
I am not in my 20's. I am not overly adventurous. I do not feel pretty, sexy or empowered.  I feel like a woman left behind.
I am introverted. I am cautious. I am a realist.
From the day we met I prepared myself for the day he would leave me.  With each passing year I naively thought that maybe I was preparing for nothing.
He still seems like the man I met so many years ago.  I am not the same.  I want to be the same, I long for the old me.  But she is gone, replaced by a shell of her former self. Replaced by a woman trying so hard to find out how she fits into this ever changing world.
I want to hate him for how I feel. I hate myself for how I feel. I hate myself for how I made him feel for so many years, that I couldn't be the woman I once was.
I don't want to hate.  Hate is tiring. I want happiness. I fear happiness may only come after great sadness. I'm terrified of the sadness.

I want to be beautiful. I want to hear the words thick with emotion. "You are beautiful".
I want happiness.

The Lies People Tell Me

I just had my fourth baby.  My OB gushes about how wonderfully I do during pregnancy. My co-workers comment on how well I handle pregnancy. A doctor I work with once compared me to a German peasant character in a book who birthed her baby in a field and then went right back to work gathering the harvest.

My question, are they all just blowing smoke up my ass?  Don't most women handle pregnancy well?  The women I have been around all seem to handle it well.  I always questioned myself, should I complain more? I mean yeah my back hurts and I get tired easily, but that kinda goes with the territory.  Not to mention, what can the doctor do, not much!

I don't consider myself tough or anything.  Nor do I consider myself a whiny little pussy.  I certainly don't consider myself special in any circumstances.  Sure, I lucked out and didn't have gestational diabetes, or hypertension. I didn't have to go on bedrest or worry about a weak cervix.

That being said, I do feel SOOOO much better after having a baby then I ever do while being pregnant.  As soon as that baby comes out, I feel like I should get up and take a jog around the block.  Which is funny considering I don't jog, ever.

I've always wanted to ask other women if their doctors say the same things to them. I'm afraid that if they don't I'll seem like I'm bragging, and I don't like to brag....much.

For now this German peasant girl is going to go about life and enjoy my new found ability to bend over again!

I hate lactating

I just gave birth to my fourth (and hopefully last) baby 2 1/2 weeks ago.  I have breastfed all of my kids, some longer than others.  My first was the shortest, I was suffering from postpartum depression and every time I breastfed my daughter all I wanted to do was cry.  She latched on great, it didn't hurt, heck I barely even felt it.  But the wave of emotions that would consume me each time was more than I could take.  I remember wanting to run back to work, back to normal life.  There were no tears, no worries, no guilty feelings the day my daughter was dropped off at daycare when she was all of 6 weeks old. I remember my husband feeding her a bottle and feeling happy, so very happy.  I know lactation people don't like this, but I stand firm in the belief that a happy mom has a happy baby no matter how that baby is fed.

My second baby also only got six weeks of breast feeding.  I was still fairly new to my job and couldn't afford a longer maternity leave.  I also work a job that makes taking pumping breaks difficult. Post op surgicals wait for no one!

My third got the longest.  She got 3 months.  That 3 months took some dedication.  I'm not a touchy feely kind of person.  I don't really like hugs, I don't snuggle. I like my personal space.  Breastfeeding definitely intrudes on my personal space.  I like to get up and do things when I want to. I want to go out and not have to worry about what to do when the baby gets hungry. I don't want to find a discreet place to feed my baby and I'm not bold enough to do it for the world to see.

Mostly I wanted my boobs back. I didn't like leaking through my shirts. I don't like have achingly full boobs.  I don't like solely being responsible for the nutrition of this small human. I enjoy kicking my husband in the middle of the night and telling him that its his turn for once. I love watching others feed my children and watch the love in their eyes that they have for my kids. I guess I like sharing. Ask to hold my infant and I will gladly hand her over. Why?  I get to hold her all day long, seeing your joy in my child makes that child worth the trouble.  Just don't ask me to hold your child, there will be no joy. I only like my own, but that's a story for another day.