I hate sex

I hate sex.  It ruins everything. You don't have enough, you have too much.  You can't win.
My husband met a woman, a girl. He says nothing happened, I believe him. The problem was I read the FB messages and I know he 'wanted' something to happen.  He told me he had a connection with her.  That statement alone hurt more than if he had had sex with her. He tells me he loves me. I know he wants her. I tried to show a new side, be more of what he says he always wanted. I feel he still wants her.
I am not in my 20's. I am not overly adventurous. I do not feel pretty, sexy or empowered.  I feel like a woman left behind.
I am introverted. I am cautious. I am a realist.
From the day we met I prepared myself for the day he would leave me.  With each passing year I naively thought that maybe I was preparing for nothing.
He still seems like the man I met so many years ago.  I am not the same.  I want to be the same, I long for the old me.  But she is gone, replaced by a shell of her former self. Replaced by a woman trying so hard to find out how she fits into this ever changing world.
I want to hate him for how I feel. I hate myself for how I feel. I hate myself for how I made him feel for so many years, that I couldn't be the woman I once was.
I don't want to hate.  Hate is tiring. I want happiness. I fear happiness may only come after great sadness. I'm terrified of the sadness.

I want to be beautiful. I want to hear the words thick with emotion. "You are beautiful".
I want happiness.