I hate lactating

I just gave birth to my fourth (and hopefully last) baby 2 1/2 weeks ago.  I have breastfed all of my kids, some longer than others.  My first was the shortest, I was suffering from postpartum depression and every time I breastfed my daughter all I wanted to do was cry.  She latched on great, it didn't hurt, heck I barely even felt it.  But the wave of emotions that would consume me each time was more than I could take.  I remember wanting to run back to work, back to normal life.  There were no tears, no worries, no guilty feelings the day my daughter was dropped off at daycare when she was all of 6 weeks old. I remember my husband feeding her a bottle and feeling happy, so very happy.  I know lactation people don't like this, but I stand firm in the belief that a happy mom has a happy baby no matter how that baby is fed.

My second baby also only got six weeks of breast feeding.  I was still fairly new to my job and couldn't afford a longer maternity leave.  I also work a job that makes taking pumping breaks difficult. Post op surgicals wait for no one!

My third got the longest.  She got 3 months.  That 3 months took some dedication.  I'm not a touchy feely kind of person.  I don't really like hugs, I don't snuggle. I like my personal space.  Breastfeeding definitely intrudes on my personal space.  I like to get up and do things when I want to. I want to go out and not have to worry about what to do when the baby gets hungry. I don't want to find a discreet place to feed my baby and I'm not bold enough to do it for the world to see.

Mostly I wanted my boobs back. I didn't like leaking through my shirts. I don't like have achingly full boobs.  I don't like solely being responsible for the nutrition of this small human. I enjoy kicking my husband in the middle of the night and telling him that its his turn for once. I love watching others feed my children and watch the love in their eyes that they have for my kids. I guess I like sharing. Ask to hold my infant and I will gladly hand her over. Why?  I get to hold her all day long, seeing your joy in my child makes that child worth the trouble.  Just don't ask me to hold your child, there will be no joy. I only like my own, but that's a story for another day.